Regulation is NOT Calm: Surfing the Waves of Parenting
If you’re a parent, you already know: life with kids is less like a calm pond and more like the ocean that is full of ripples, waves, and the occasional tidal wave of spilled juice.
And here’s the key: regulation doesn’t mean calm. You and your kids don’t need flat, glassy water all the time. You just need to learn how to surf the waves together.
All Feelings Are Waves
Your nervous system...and your child’s moves like the sea:
Playful ripples: giggles at bedtime, silly jokes, the random “knock-knock” phase.
Rolling waves: frustration when the Lego tower breaks, your raised voice when the morning routine drags on, that rush of energy before soccer practice.
Crashing waves: meltdowns in the grocery store, slammed doors, or you fantasizing about hiding in your closet!
Low tide: the “I don’t care,” the flop-on-the-couch, or the parent who suddenly feels like pulling the covers back over their head.
The waves rise and fall. That’s not bad...that’s nature. It's how humans are wired!
So What Is Regulation, Then?
Regulation means you can ride the waves without getting dragged out to sea. It’s the ability to:
Notice: “Wow, this is a big wave!”
Stay afloat: “I can breathe through this.”
Reconnect: “Let’s get back to shore together.”
It’s not about never feeling stormy. It’s about remembering that no wave lasts forever.
For Parents
Big parent wave: You’re late for school, the backpack zipper breaks, and suddenly you’re yelling like a sea captain in a storm. Regulation looks like: noticing the swell (“I’m about to blow”), taking a deep breath, and steering back toward connection: “Whew, that was a rough wave. Let’s try again.”
Low-tide parent moment: You scroll on your phone in the bathroom just to escape the noise. Regulation looks like: recognizing you need a pause, then coming back to shore: “I needed a few minutes. I’m here now.”
For Kids
Big kid wave: “You NEVER let me do ANYTHING!” (a tsunami of feelings about bedtime). Regulation looks like: stomping, crying, moving their energy out...without hurting anyone...and then reconnecting when the wave passes.
Low-tide kid moment: Flopping on the floor, refusing to budge. Regulation looks like: being allowed quiet time, maybe cuddling up with a stuffed animal, and returning when they’re ready.
How to Surf Together
Name the waves. “That was a big crash of feelings!” or “Looks like low tide energy right now.” Naming makes it less scary.
Ride it out. Sometimes you dance, sometimes you stomp, sometimes you breathe. What matters is moving with the wave, not against it.
Reconnect after. A hug, a joke, or even just: “That was tough. I’m glad we got through it.”
The Takeaway
For both parents and kids: regulation isn’t calm...it’s surfing the waves of parenting and life. It's staying on the board as the wave crashes over you!
Some days you’ll be splashing in gentle ripples. Other days, you’ll be clinging to the board in a wild storm. But if you can keep showing up, keep paddling back to each other, and remember the waves always rise and fall, you’re doing it right.
Because family life isn’t about calm seas, it’s about learning to surf together through all the sunny days and stormy days!
If you're looking for more parenting tips and tricks to learn to surf the waves, reach out to Maggie Meyer, a parent coach in Bethesda, MD, who uses her own missteps, training, and passion to support families.