If your child seems to swing between full-throttle energy and total shutdown, racing from activity to activity one moment and melting down the next, you’re not alone. And honestly? Most of us adults are doing the same thing.
Our world moves fast. There’s always something to do, achieve, or fix, and before we know it, we’re living with our nervous system stuck on the gas pedal. Then, when it’s too much, we slam on the brake and collapse on the couch, scroll, or zone out.
It’s not a flaw. It’s how our bodies are wired.
🧠 The Science (In Simple Terms)
Polyvagal Theory gives us a simple but powerful way to understand what’s happening in our brains and bodies. Think of it as your nervous system’s automatic transmission:
- The Gas Pedal (Sympathetic System) revs us up…it’s what helps us focus, problem-solve, and get things done. But too much gas can lead to worry, irritability, or burnout.
- The Brake (Dorsal System) slows us down so we can rest and recover. But when we stay there too long, it can feel like flat energy, disconnection, or a sense of “what’s the point?”
- The Middle Gear (Ventral Vagal System) is our balanced zone, where we feel calm, connected, and capable. This is where curiosity, learning, and healthy relationships thrive.
The goal isn’t to stay calm all the time…that’s impossible (and not even healthy). The goal is to notice where we are and gently guide ourselves, and our kids, back toward balance.
⚙️ For Parents and Kids Alike
Here are a few small ways to support balance in everyday life:
1. Name What’s Happening. Instead of “You’re overreacting,” try “It sounds like your body’s on the gas pedal right now.” This gives kids language for what they’re feeling and takes away shame.
2. Practice Gentle Shifts. If your child’s energy is high, go for a walk, blow bubbles, or play a breathing game with long exhales. If they’re shut down, try gentle movement...music, a snack, sunlight, or quiet connection.
3. Schedule Pit Stops. Downtime isn’t wasted time…it’s maintenance. Just like cars can’t run forever without refueling, oil changes, new tires, and more, our nervous systems can’t either. But here’s the tricky part: most kids (and teens) say downtime is boring. That’s because their brains are used to stimulation and structure. When they finally stop, the nervous system doesn’t immediately feel peaceful, it feels uncomfortable. That’s normal. It’s like learning how to idle without stalling. Try building small moments of “nothing time”…lying on the grass, doodling, listening to music, or daydreaming. Over time, their bodies learn that rest isn’t boring, it’s restorative.
4. Reframe Rest as Growth. Rest isn’t a pause from progress...it’s a key part of it. Brains consolidate memories, regulate emotions, and strengthen creativity when we rest. Kids (and adults) who understand this grow up with a healthier sense of self-worth and balance.
🌱 Doing Your Best and Knowing When It’s Enough
Part of regulation is learning that “doing your best” doesn’t always mean “doing it all.” Our nervous systems thrive on balance, not perfection.
Some days our best looks focused and productive. Other days, it looks like showing up and trying. Helping kids (and ourselves) recognize that “good enough” really is good enough teaches compassion, builds resilience, and helps prevent burnout…now and for the long run.
🌿 A Lifelong Skill
When we teach our kids how to tune into their bodies to notice when they’re flooring the gas or riding the brake, we’re giving them lifelong tools for balance, self-awareness, and regulation.
And maybe the best part? When we model it ourselves by slowing down, saying “I need a break,” or simply taking a breath, we remind them that balance isn’t something you achieve once. It’s something you practice every day.